From the Metropolis section of the Wall Street Journal:

NYPD Officer arrested in Cannibalism plot 

A New York City police officer was arrested Thursday and accused of a kidnapping plot that involved alleged plans to cook and eat women, authorities said.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested Gilberto Valle, a 28-year-old officer in the New York Police Department, after a search of a computer at his home in Forest Hills, Queens, turned up emails and other messages discussing plans to hold women captive, cook them in ovens  and cannibalize their body parts…

…The complaint included excerpts of the communication between Valle and two unnamed co-conspirators. When asked by the co-conspirator about the size of his oven, Valle replied: “Big enough to fit one of these girls if I folded their legs.”

Valle was apparently the conspirator who would subdue and capture the victims.  He tried to juice his $5,000 kidnapping fee by telling his cohorts that it was his neck on the line if he got caught.  I doubt the cannibals would have been much interested in eating his neck.  The neck has too much bone and cartilage and too little meat.   It might make good stew seasoning though. 

Actually, the FBI found out about the e-mail correspondence when, in the process of getting a divorce, Valle’s ex-wife tipped them off to some “questionable porn” on his computer.  Isn’t all porn on a husband’s computer, especially that of a soon-to-be ex-husband, questionable?  At least to the wife/ex-wife?  The FBI investigated and gave the case over to the NYPD Internal Affairs Bureau.  When has the FBI ever given a case, especially one as juicy (no pun intended) as this one appears to be, over to local authorities?   With the enormous expansion in federal criminal statutes, there is roughly no behavior, criminal or otherwise, that the FBI can’t prosecute.  Kidnapping and eating someone would seem to be a clear violation of their civil rights under federal law.  (At least so long as it wasn’t ordered by Barack Obama.  If he can order killings on his whimsy, why not cannibalism?)  Maybe the FBI figured out the whole thing was contrived by the ex-wife, and decided to let the NYPD make fools of themselves.   Or maybe she was, ahem, “dating” somebody on the force (perhaps on the IAB?) who could ensure an investigation would obtain and that it would destroy her ex-husband for good.  There is nothing more venal than a cop who would screw a fellow cop’s wife.  There is nothing more vitriolic than a love gone bad.

Apparently no women were eaten.  They caught Valle (but none of his co-conspirators, which seems odd) before he had acted on his alleged plan “…to kidnap women so that they could be raped, tortured, killed, cooked, and cannibalized…” in the shrieking, morally outraged narrative of Manhattan’s US Attorney, Preet Bharara. 

Fortunately, even had there been some ingestion of human flesh, St. Thomas Aquinas, the 13th century theologian and Catholic apologist, has already explained what happens to the flesh of the victims of cannibals at the Judgment Day, when the bodies of all the believers who died before Christ’s return are to be reconstituted and ascend to heaven, a prickly problem if the cannibal had either eaten believers, or was himself a believer, having converted sometime after his cannibalism.  (Presumably active cannibals at the time of judgment would be foreclosed from claiming belief, as eating one’s neighbor, although perhaps indicative of how much you love them in a gustatory sort of way, hardly qualifies as loving them as you love yourself).  According to Aquinas, everyone, even cannibals, can be reconstituted and made whole in the flesh again on Judgment Day, because there is no requirement that the exact same corpuscles of matter which had once constituted an individual be returned to reconstitute their flesh.  Any old corpuscles would do. 

If this isn’t some strange hoax, truth really is stranger than fiction.

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