Kanye West was right last night at the Grammy’s (but he don’t need me to tell him). The award for best album should have gone to bubble-butted Beyonce, just like Kanye said. I didn’t see her sing, because the awards show mercifully withheld her performance until almost the very end of the three and a half hour marathon and by then, I was already in bed. And I can’t name a single song bubble-butted Beyonce has ever sung, but I know that she really should have won. Because I know that Kanye is the arbiter of musical tastes for English speaking culture, someone who is bigger than the Beatles, which, given that John Lennon was more popular than Christ, means that Kanye is also more popular than Christ. And how do I know all these things? Because Kanye said them or acted them out, and that’s enough for me. It isn’t bias, racial or otherwise, to believe yourself and your people (particularly your bubble-butted broads), better than everyone else if it’s true. And even if your bias and self-regard so fucks your perception that you couldn’t tell a good singer from a yelping coyote, it still doesn’t matter if you is rich and famous enough. Money talks and bullshit walks. This is America, motherfucker. Ask Kanye.

So Beyonce’s album was far and away the best album nominated for best album. In fact, Beyonce’s album should have been the only album nominated for best album. That pencil-necked British kid, Sam Smith? Pffft. Are you kidding me? He’d already gotten three awards for one song. And every last one of Beyonce’s songs are better than his one lone song. And that other pencil-necked white kid (how come all the white kids in music look so emaciated?) who tries to be like Kanye and go by only one name—Beck, I think it is—is not even worthy of spit-shining Beyonce’s heels with his tongue. Honestly, Beck? What the hell is a Beck? Is it a ripoff from Jeff Beck, the awesome axeman from back in the day? This new Beck plays guitar, too, so probably. White kids these days. They rip off their elders and they rip off the brothers and they rip off each other, and still they barely manage to keep from stinking like a Bavarian cabbage.

Kanye bitch-slapped that little white kid after the show for stealing what rightfully belonged to Beyonce and refusing to give it back. He almost went up on the stage to grab the mic from him and lodge his protest against the Grammy gods when it happened, like he did when Taylor Swift stole an award from him in 2009. But instead he just pretended the redux, and waited until the show was over to blast the academy for not awarding musical genius standing right in front of it. I mean, how could they miss Beyonce for Beck? Beyonce’s butt probably weighs more than Beck’s whole torso.

And you know Beck is Kanye’s bitch because after Kanye ripped him a new asshole, Beck practically begged for it again, praising Kanye as someone he tries to emulate.

Kanye did, however, do a fashion redux, bringing back velour jogging suits, and in a big way, wearing one for his song about something that was really serious and cool but I’m not sure what. I bet his wife Kim helped out with that splendiferous sartorial surprise. And I bet “velour jogging suit” has been trending big on Google ever since all lights but the spotlight on Kanye were extinguished in the auditorium for his soulful, meaningful song about something, I’m sure. Everybody’s gonna want one of his velour jogging suits. In fact, I may get one for running the upcoming half-marathon. Kanye never claimed that he was bigger than Elvis (probably it was implied), but after last night, he doesn’t have to. He worked that velour jogging suit like the King never could.

Kanye let President Obama have a few minutes of air time for a public service announcement about domestic violence and rape. He knew the dopey old President wouldn’t upstage him. For his part, Kanye don’t care none about domestic violence and rape—he don’t need that shit to get what he wants out of women. Did you see Taylor Swift cowering back in 2009 when he jumped on stage and grabbed the mic from her? Who needs to beat women up when they already be scared of you? But it was big of him to let the President have air time on his show, what with the President having called him an asshole or something before. It showed Kanye’s humble and forgiving side that he allowed it.

Kanye’s got another bubble-butted broad besides Beyonce who he defends with the same alacrity. No, the bubble-butted similarity has nothing to do with it. His wife, Kim Kardashian, recently displayed her bubble-butted self in all its her glory in a magazine spread. She’s soon to become an author, publishing a book about taking selfies. Okay, it’s really just a book of selfies she’s taken, with nothing of the writing thingy that authorship sort of implies. But isn’t a book of Kim’s selfies enough? You bet it is. You should already be on the waiting list at Amazon. Ask Kanye. He’ll tell you. And what he tells you? That’s all you need to know.

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